When you struggle with infertility, you begin to really question who you are. Why is this happening? What's wrong with me? Why does my body have so much crap wrong with it when it comes to baby making? and the list could go on and on. After trying for so long, it becomes difficult to look at yourself in the mirror at times.....I was disgusted with myself! I would have to say that I lapsed into a little depression....I was letting myself go. I didn't really care how I looked, why should I try? All I wanted was a baby and because I was beginning to think that I would never have it, it was getting really hard for me to think positive about a lot of things......
Then, I did get pregnant.....of course it wasn't easy. I had to continue with daily shots and monthly infusions, but I was beginning to feel myself turning around. I was happy, I wanted to be healthy, I cared how I looked (well as much as you can with a belly!!). My body could actually handle being pregnant with nearly no issues.....who would've thunk it? I truly enjoyed being pregnant and now looking back, I miss it! There is a teacher that I work with who is due around the same time I was.....I told her last week that I was jealous of her because I missed it:)
Then came the fateful induction.......I truly believed that it would be easy for me...WRONG!! The whole delivery experience itself was not very pleasant, even though I desperately wanted it to be! I feel sad sometimes because the moments right after birth are so hazy for me. I've spoken to other women who say the same thing, so I know I'm not the only one....but seriously, couldn't I remember every single detail to savor?!?!
Then it took so long for me to recover, heck I'm still recovering:) I struggled with anxiety and depression after delivery, one bout that actually sent me back to the hospital. I went on anti-depressants to help get me through those first several months....I'm off of them now, but I want others to know that it is ok to admit that you need some help:) Can you see why I miss being pregnant??:)
Now....now I feel good:) I'm in a better place mentally, physically, and emotionally. It may have taken some time and I may have had some trials along the way, but I like me again:)