Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I have to say it was a very emotional moment for both Tony and I. There have been so many struggles to get to this point, that we still aren't really sure how to be acting. I think the doctor could tell that we were still apprehensive, so she told us that with how everything measured and getting a heartbeat, that there was less than a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point. Although she did follow it up with stating that if a pregnancy is going to fail it usually happens within 6-8 weeks, with termination between 10-12 weeks, but again she emphasized with how everything was measuring, we were doing very good! She wants me to come back in 2 weeks, May 13, for another US to check on the progress. She said if everything looks good then, that there will be less than a 1% chance of miscarriage. She also stated that they want to treat me empirically with the intralipids, so I have another infusion scheduled for May 20th.
It is still all very surreal. Thanks to everyone who has given us support throughout this time, we really appreciate it! We still would like to keep this close to our hearts, so please continue to not say anything. I'm not sure if I will have time to post tomorrow because we will be packing for Florida--so many things to do:) If not, there will probably be short posts about how our trip is going, but nothing too major! Talk to you all soon!
Monday, April 27, 2009
I keep thinking about what I will do when the doctor is actually performing the ultrasound. Will I look from the beginning or will I close my eyes and wait to hear the doctor's reaction? At this point in time, I'm not sure. In one thought I can't imagine not seeing it for the first time, but then I think about what if there isn't anything to see? Also, if there is something there, will I even know what to look for? Will I be like Rachel in Friends when the doctor is pointing everything out, but I don't really see it:)? I'm nervous even thinking about it!
Well, I've scheduled my day pretty full tomorrow-although there is lots of driving, which means lots of time to think between stops:) Oh well, I think I better hit the sheets (no the posting time is not the actual time--otherwise I would be going to bed at 7-something!!). Plus the Cubs just gave up a lot of runs--they tend to do better when I don't watch/listen!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
So, we had decided that I would take the 2nd HPT this morning--why this morning? Well because I had somewhere else I absolutely had to be every other morning and in case it was bad news, church was going to have to be the sacrifice! Luckily though, since you already know I went to church, it again came back positive. So we were feeling pretty good:) Well, that was until I got online this evening and saw a post about someone who went in for her first ultrasound and the baby was measuring behind which meant she would miscarry soon. Her beta numbers also started out low, so down came my mood! And I had been so good lately with the positivity! It is just really hard because going through IVF, we are SO more aware of everything that could happen, both good and bad--it is a double-edged sword at times! It is times like these that I just wish I could have gotten "knocked up" as a teenager and been blissfully unaware of all the possibilities! I know that I just need to push those thoughts to the back of my mind and move forward....we will know soon enough how things are headed. This waiting definitely stinks!--wait, didn't I already do a post about this:)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday night after work we went and did a little shopping for our trip to Florida. Not that I am showing by any means, but I am just not feeling very comfortable in a lot of my tops. Most of them fit pretty tightly and I just feel a little subconscious about it. One reason is I feel people are scrutinizing how I look and I feel really bloated and pudgy from all of my shots, hormones and meds that I am taking! Needless to say it wasn't the best experience. Tony really wasn't much of a help either. After trying on countless things, I left with a dress, but have since decided to take it back because I really didn't need it! I know, I know, why did we even go? I'm not sure anymore. Also, Tony apologized when we got home because he didn't realize how I was really feeling about the whole situation:)
Friday night, my boss asked Tony and I to come and help with the local PBS/WTVP auction. We went there for a couple of hours and sold raffle tickets. It was a good time, and of course Tony wowed all of the people with his "skills!" Emily (one of my co-workers) and I were sorely out-maneuvered by him at times, especially when he made a sign that said he gave out free kisses to anyone who bought a ticket from him instead of us. Right after Emily went through and offered to sell some and no one took her offer, Tony walked through with his sign and he got a woman to buy from him! He had us all laughing, but I got the last laugh when one of my tickets was drawn as the winning ticket!
Today I had to go and teach an all-day restraint class for work. Don't worry, I was very careful and did let my partner in on the truth (everyone else thought that I had a bad back!), so she make sure I was careful as well:) I had to be there at 7:30 this morning and was gone until late this afternoon! While I was gone, Tony mowed the lawn (his most favorite activity!!) and gave the dog a bath. He needed it, especially because he is going to Aunt Mindy and Uncle Bill's while we are in Florida! We didn't want to send them a stinky dog! I did take a nap on the couch when I got home and the evening so far has been pretty low-key. The draft is on, so I had to wait my turn on the computer before I could have a chance to post:) Draft weekend is like a holiday in our house, with lots of predicting, phone calls, texting, and message board posting!
Tomorrow my plan is to go to church as long as I feel ok. I am beat right now and have had a cough for a few days, which has now turned more into a sinus/cold thing as well as the cough. I had to call Aunt Jill and ask what was okay to take. I tried some Sudafed today, but I am not sure it really helped. I don't really want to take anything, but I felt pretty bad this morning! I might have to break down and buy the cough syrup she said was okay to take-although I hate taking stuff! Ok, so after church I am sure we will have our weekly grocery run (of course all of this depends when the draft comes on tomorrow as well!!)....well, I just had to exit the computer because Buffalo made a surprise trade....now I am back. I have a Lia Sophia party to go to in the afternoon, and then I want to start cleaning the house before we leave. I like it to be clean before we leave because cleaning is the last thing I want to do when I get back from a vacation!
So we have been busy, which is good because I have had less time to think about Tuesday! We are getting excited and more nervous with each day. I am still worried that things are not developing like they should be.....I am trying to be positive, but going through IVF you hear about everything bad thing that can happen in these situations! So I am trying to keep those thoughts in the far back corners of my mind and keep the more positive ones in the front:)
Well that is about it for now! I will check in when I have some more time:)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So, Tony went to bed early last night (I know big surprise!!) and I stayed up to do some things on the computer, 9:20 was a little early for me:) So everyone knows we have a wonderful dog named Tasker, whom I love dearly. So last night as I was finishing up and getting ready to go get in bed I put him outside for the last time. Well he began barking out in the back corner. So I opened the door and yelled at him to stop. He continued barking so I yelled at him to come in. Well he was taking his sweet time to get inside. He slowly walked up the stairs and when he got close to the door, he wouldn't come in. I tried everything I could think of to get him in. I called him in the sweetest voice, patted my leg, etc. Towards the end, he walked off the deck and stood in the grass and stared at me. So I decided I needed a break and went to brush my teeth and such. When I returned I could see him peaking through the window and as I walked up he walked off the deck again. I got out a treat, left the door open and walked away to see if he would come in. He still didn't--by this point I am starting to get really ticked! Tony has told me when he does this that I just need to get behind him and try to herd him in the door. So I put my coat and shoes on and go out in the yard and try to herd him in. Well when I get out there, he starts running around the yard like a maniac! He still doesn't come in. By this point I am ready to just leave him outside for the night. The only thing I can think to do is go in and wake Tony up. I feel really bad when I make this decision and as I walk into the bedroom I start crying. Don't ask my why, but I did. I woke Tony up, in tears, and he shot out of bed. I felt really bad because I was sure he thought that something really bad had happened! When I told him that I couldn't get the dog inside he looked at me like I was crazy and told me stop crying. I'm trying to explain everything that I tried to get him in, but didn't work. He keeps telling me that it is fine and to stop crying--I couldn't stop crying. He walks over to the door and calls Tasker. He didn't come right in, but lets just say that it took less than 30 seconds for him to come in the door! I tried for over 20 minutes! He did get locked in his Kennel for the night as well--he knew he was in trouble! By this time, I am still crying because I couldn't get the dog in the house and Tony is convinced that there is something else going on. I swear to him that there isn't and we head to bed. It took a little while for me to get to sleep--gee wonder why?!?
So I am going a little crazy! Who cries because they can't get their dog in the house? Me I guess! Just thought I would share my "going crazy" story. Hopefully it isn't this bad for the entire 9 months!
Monday, April 20, 2009
I am getting my intralipid infusion as I type! We had a pretty good weekend overall. I had a pretty bad bout of nausea on Sunday! Was not fun! I never got sick, but definitely did not feel well. We decided that it might be a good sign. I did feel good enough by the afternoon to go through and switch out our winter clothes with our spring ones. Which then turned into a closet cleaning frenzy! To those that know us, we are not savers, so there was a lot to take to goodwill!
We are still being cautiously optimistic about everything. I haven't taken the other hpt test, but it is starting to burn a hole in our cabinet! I took a picture of my intralipid bag, but can't figure out how to add it from the blackberry, so will do it later tonight. I apologize for any typos, will have to fix them later:)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
- I am still taking the oils and extra vitamins that the Dr. recommended when we started this cycle.
- Bromocriptine-This is the pill that lowers my prolactin levels. I am pretty sure I will be on this for the first few months of the pregnancy, then will be taken off of it when my prolactin levels will no longer interfere with the baby.
- Fortamet-Still 3 pills a day. Again I am pretty sure I will be on this until about 5 months of pregnancy--I think at least:)
- Pre-Natal Vitamins-of course daily until after the baby would be born.
- Dexamethasone-Still take this in the AM. Will be on this until my med calendar expires (5/16) and then will wean off of it by taking 1 every other day for a week.
- Lovenox-I began taking the blood thinner again the night of ET. I believe I will be on this for the duration of the pregnancy due to the fact that it improves and supports blood flow from the placenta to the baby (pretty important!). I have heard that this possibly would mean that I would be induced on a certain day to make sure that I am off of it for 24 hours before delivery.
- Progesterone in Oil injections-1cc every night in the booty! Tony feels really bad when he has to give it because it is looking a little bruised and battered back there. This looks like it will end on 5/16 when the med calendar ends.
- Estrogen/Progesterone Suppositories-These are nightly insertions--not fun--but look like they end also on the 16th.
Wow-it looks like a lot when it is all written out!
- Monday April 20th: Intralipid Infusion-I have to go back in and have this 2 hour infusion again to make sure that my RIP and NK cells stay deactivated. I'm not sure what will happen after this one, but they may recheck them occasionally to make sure that I don't need any more of these infusions during the pregnancy. Also not sure how far along I need to be before it is not a risk anymore, maybe never:)
- Tuesday April 28th: First Ultrasound appointment. At this appointment they will check to make sure that everything is progressing as it should be. There is a possibility that they will see a heartbeat, but most likely just the yolk sack and a fetal pole (beginnings of the heartbeat).
- Tuesday May 5th (1 week later): 2nd Ultrasound appointment. At this appointment they will check for the heartbeat (should be there by then). If everything looks good, I would graduate to my regular OB at this point and be done with SIRM (which would be sad, but very exciting at the same time)
This is what I know as of now. Again we are still being cautiously optimistic about everything:) On my calendar, they listed my potential due date as Dec. 18th. Hopefully everything works out the way we are hoping. We just have been so used to getting bad news, that we keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are trying the positive thinking approach, but we just aren't very good at yet:)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
We had a family dinner that evening with Tony's family. We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone about the test. Aunt Jill even flat out asked me and I told her no. (she now claims that she didn't believe me, but didn't want to push the issue at the time!!). So I just had to confess that we did take one. I still have a second test (2 in one package) that I will probably take sometime next week to reassure myself that I am pregnant:) We also have several pictures of both tests, but I like the one that says pregnant best:) I will do more updates tomorrow. Went back to work today and that really stunk--plus had a meeting this evening and I also have an early meeting tomorrow in Farmington!
Monday, April 13, 2009
After I got off the phone I of course called Tony. We were both kind of in shock. The number more than quadrupled, but we are still a little worried that it could be a chemical because of how low they started. I told him that I would email the nurse to make sure that I didn't need another beta test and what her thoughts were on the chemical pregnancy. So I emailed and she responded very quickly that I would have my first ultrasound the week of the 27th and that my numbers did exactly what they were supposed to over the weekend, so no more tests in their opinions, and yes there is still a possibility that the numbers could decrease and that we just had to hang in there. So we are still very cautiously optimistic that we will be having a baby in about 9 months.
Please if you are reading this, do not go around telling everyone and their mother that we are pregnant. There are still several hurdles that we will have to cross before we are in the clear and we would like to be past those before our news is broadcast to the population:) Thank you to everyone for their support during this process and we hope we can turn this into an infertility success blog shortly!
Friday, April 10, 2009
So I have to say that what is happening is kind of scary. I am part of a message board for the cycles with SIRM. There are several people who post there from all over the central region. Usually as the results roll in, I always seem to be the only 1 who doesn't end up with a positive. Well this cycle, so far I AM the only one with a positive--albeit not a very strong one. There are still some who will find out their results on Monday--along with my next set of numbers--so I may not be the only one (or I may be added to the other side), but so far I am. It is just kind of scary.
I have thought about going out and buying some HPT's this weekend. Most of them start to pick up betas at 25. I would know if my numbers are continuing to rise by whether or not it ends up a positive. I have to say though, I am still scared to do that. I am afraid that I still will not get the + or the double lines, which would just totally devastate me. But on the other hand, it would help with the wait. I did some research on the message boards based on my numbers. The results are mixed overall with people starting out that low. Some have ended up with pregnancies, some with chemicals, and others with ectopics (which is a little scary to think about). So I still have many routes that this could end up taking. I do know that SIRM tests really early, I did my first one at 8dpt (days past transfer) and some clinics don't do theirs until 14dpt. Which if my numbers continue to rise, I would have not been so in limbo if we tested then. My next test on Monday will be 14dpt, so we will see then how they are doing. Hope everyone has a good weekend, I think we are going to lay low.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tony and I aren't really sure how to feel. In one sense we want to be happy because I have NEVER had any kind of a number on these tests, but in another they are really low so it may not end up the way we want it to. So, am I supposed to be happy? I'm not really sure.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Everyone who knows me knows that I was raised in a "real" Christian household. I was very active in my church along with my parents and brother throughout my childhood. I do believe in God, there is no question about that, but I have to say that my faith in him is beginning to falter during this process. After our second failed cycle, I had a really hard time overall. I had a little bit of a depression and my faith was almost non-existent. Believe me, I know all of the Bible verses that say he has a plan, and everything in its own time...but I am starting to get a little mad, no not a little, a lot!
All it takes is one trip out in public for my feelings to be reaffirmed. When I see 15 year olds who are pregnant, people who barely have enough money for food buying alcohol and cigarettes with their money and using my tax dollars to buy junk food for their kids, or how about on the last ladies church trip that I went on when TWO unmarried, young, pregnant girls walked in for the weekend as I was leaving to go and give myself shots to possibly be able to have just 1! I just don't understand what I did that was so bad that God is not allowing me to have a baby, but everyone else? I am not saying that I am perfect, goodness no, but come on! I have a college education, a good job, a wonderful husband who also has a college education and a good job. We have a nice house, cars that work (well most of the time) and I won't be relying on anyone else to be buying my children's food and clothing--so what is wrong with me/us? Why does it have to be so hard? How is this even fair? It is hard for me/us to go to church and sit in the services. Why should I sing songs? I don't even really pray anymore, which is difficult to admit, but I don't feel that He hears me anymore. I really only ever asked for one thing. I am not waiting for a sign to make my faith return, like if I am pregnant this time all things forgotten. It will be a long process for me.
I told myself when I began this process that I didn't want to turn into a bitter person who never wanted to go to baby showers because I couldn't have one. I think I have done pretty well. I still love babies and want to hold them. I am not angry when I hear about our friends who get pregnant, I guess it is almost expected now. We have been married the longest of our friends, but we always joke that they will be pregnant before us, and many of them have been. I am happy for those people that they do not have to endure what we are enduring--I would never wish this on anyone, it is the toughest and hardest journey we have ever been on. It has made Tony and I closer and our relationship stronger, but it is a relationship that we would like to share with our children. There are times we were are pretty sure that it is just going to be us, and we are fine with that, but we would always wonder what our children would have looked like. Who's eyes, who hair, who's personality--all the what-ifs that would never be answered. We are not giving up. If this time doesn't work, we will have one more try--but that would be it. We hope it doesn't come to that, but what can we do if it does? Move on with our lives the best we can, I guess.
Monday, April 6, 2009
We went to the auto-show this weekend. I know, who would have thought that! We will be purchasing a new car within the next couple of months, so we thought we would go and take a gander:) Saturday we hung out at home, then had an impromptu basketball and pizza party with Tony's side of the family, so that was fun! Yesterday I had a wedding shower, so overall it was a pretty busy weekend, which is good because it was nice to have something else to do besides sit around and over analyze everything!
We had quite an interesting morning as well. Our Pathfinder has a dent in the door, so we took it in to have it repaired this morning. When Tony dropped me off back at home, I was going to run out to KMart to pick up a baby shower gift (tonight's excursion!) and the blue car decided it didn't want to work! It died on my way out there! Tony had to come back and look at it (for those of you who know Tony and his car skills--stop laughing!!). We just got it detailed last week, so we think there was some water in the engine somewhere--it even backfired!! I didn't even think cars did that anymore:) I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation because we just went looking for cars not 3 days ago! Needless to say, it started running fine and I took it out to KMart--so we assumed water gone. I made it back home, but as I pulled in the garage......the Service Engine Soon light came on! I mean seriously. Now I don't have the Pathfinder for at least 3 days and who knows if this car will start the next time I try to go somewhere!!
Well, at least my mind has been occupied for a while! I have my first test tomorrow morning, so I will check in after that.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
This is what happens in a 3dt : (Days Past Transfer=dpt)
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
So basically, the office tests on the first possible day that HCG is being secreted by the placenta. A lot of people like to POAS/HPT (Pee On A Stick/Home Pregnancy Test) but I have never been one to do it. Most HPT's do not pick up HCG until it is at 25, and even then it is unreliable--some betas come back at 8 from the first test--so if you get a negative it can be deceiving. I would just rather wait and see from the true test. I've decided if this ever does work, then I will POAS because I have never seen a + in my life!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
- The dreaded Dex! Yes still have to take the steroid--yuck!
- Pre-natal vitamin and all of the other supplements that were listed in the earlier post.
- Lovenox-the blood thinner. I went off of this the day before ER, but then started back up the night of ET.
- Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections. I started these the night of ER. These are not fun--they are a nightly intramuscular injection in the rear-end. Tony has to give them to me. He has to use a 1 1/2 inch needle (22 gauge for those in the medical profession--LARGE for those of you who are not!!) to give them. I usually ice my butt for about 5 mins before and he holds the vial in his hand to warm it up to make it a little thinner. Then after he gives it he massages it with a very warm washcloth for about a minute. Even after all of that, I still get small, and sometimes painful, welts.
- Estradiol/Progesterone suppositories. These I get to "insert" each evening right before going to bed. (sorry if TMI!!)
So those are my meds for the moment. The lovenox is again to allow good blood-flow as the embryo tries to attach and then between placenta and baby. Progesterone is produced by the placenta during pregnancy, so they like to give us an extra boost during this time to make sure that my body is making enough to support a potential pregnancy. If I get a positive on the 9th, these will all continue until about the 10th week of pregnancy or until my OB tells me to stop--well except for the Lovenox, or at least it is my understanding that it would continue throughout an entire pregnancy.
Who thought all of this had to be done AFTER all of the beginning shots:) Oh, and I did take the morning off:)