I struggled with whether or not to make a post regarding this. I have actually started it a few times, but then decided against it. I'm not sure why....maybe because I am afraid that I will let some people down when they read it? Because I am not as strong as they think I am or am supposed to be during this process? Either way, I've decided to go ahead with the post, finally.
Everyone who knows me knows that I was raised in a "real" Christian household. I was very active in my church along with my parents and brother throughout my childhood. I do believe in God, there is no question about that, but I have to say that my faith in him is beginning to falter during this process. After our second failed cycle, I had a really hard time overall. I had a little bit of a depression and my faith was almost non-existent. Believe me, I know all of the Bible verses that say he has a plan, and everything in its own time...but I am starting to get a little mad, no not a little, a lot!
All it takes is one trip out in public for my feelings to be reaffirmed. When I see 15 year olds who are pregnant, people who barely have enough money for food buying alcohol and cigarettes with their money and using my tax dollars to buy junk food for their kids, or how about on the last ladies church trip that I went on when TWO unmarried, young, pregnant girls walked in for the weekend as I was leaving to go and give myself shots to possibly be able to have just 1! I just don't understand what I did that was so bad that God is not allowing me to have a baby, but everyone else? I am not saying that I am perfect, goodness no, but come on! I have a college education, a good job, a wonderful husband who also has a college education and a good job. We have a nice house, cars that work (well most of the time) and I won't be relying on anyone else to be buying my children's food and clothing--so what is wrong with me/us? Why does it have to be so hard? How is this even fair? It is hard for me/us to go to church and sit in the services. Why should I sing songs? I don't even really pray anymore, which is difficult to admit, but I don't feel that He hears me anymore. I really only ever asked for one thing. I am not waiting for a sign to make my faith return, like if I am pregnant this time all things forgotten. It will be a long process for me.
I told myself when I began this process that I didn't want to turn into a bitter person who never wanted to go to baby showers because I couldn't have one. I think I have done pretty well. I still love babies and want to hold them. I am not angry when I hear about our friends who get pregnant, I guess it is almost expected now. We have been married the longest of our friends, but we always joke that they will be pregnant before us, and many of them have been. I am happy for those people that they do not have to endure what we are enduring--I would never wish this on anyone, it is the toughest and hardest journey we have ever been on. It has made Tony and I closer and our relationship stronger, but it is a relationship that we would like to share with our children. There are times we were are pretty sure that it is just going to be us, and we are fine with that, but we would always wonder what our children would have looked like. Who's eyes, who hair, who's personality--all the what-ifs that would never be answered. We are not giving up. If this time doesn't work, we will have one more try--but that would be it. We hope it doesn't come to that, but what can we do if it does? Move on with our lives the best we can, I guess.