Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Well, after yesterdays emotional post, I thought I would add that I am not always down in the dumps. I do still have hope. The symbol to the left is one that I found right before we did our first IVF cycle. I had been searching for something that really encompassed how I was feeling about the whole process. This is the ancient Kanji symbol (what modern day Chinese and Japanese writing is based off of) that stands for hope. But it also has multiple meanings, which is why I was drawn to it. The full meaning is a hope, a wish, a desire, an aspiration, a request, an expectation, a dream. I felt that this really explained how I felt about the upcoming process that we would be going through. It is a hope, a wish, a dream, etc. of mine to become a mother. This will be news to some, but I got this as a tattoo on my back. I felt that it was something that I would always want, no matter the outcome, so I felt that it was already a permanent mark in my life, so I wanted to make it real. It will always have a special meaning to me.

Today is DIBB day (Day In Between Betas--I just made that one up!). It is one of those days that is difficult, because you continue to over-analyze everything little twinge. I have been trying to stay positive, but it is difficult with our track record. Is it sad that I already have a "back-up" plan if this cycle doesn't work? I am already thinking about what is left that we can do differently next time, what questions I want to ask, are there any more tests that can be done. One thing that I haven't done yet that a lot of people swear by is acupuncture. My mom and Aunt Jill have both mentioned a doctor in the area that does this, so I figured it can't hurt, well except for the pocketbook! But, I won't need that back-up plan will I? See that was me trying to be positive--how did I do?

I go in tomorrow morning for my second test. In the past, I have always had the nurse call the home line and leave a message with the results. I know I wouldn't be able to handle the news when I was at work. I think I am still going to have the nurse call the house and leave a message. Even though I will be home, I am still not sure that I would be able to talk to the nurse as the news was delivered--good or bad. I figured I can start crying if it is bad and start screaming if it is good:) I will post tomorrow what the results are when I receive them. I am not sure what time they call since I am never usually home when they do, so I have no idea when it will be. I just know that it is usually before 4:00. Here's to hoping for the best.

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